This is the year that I let go of the weight of everything that does not align to my higher self. The year that I live my authentic life without having to hide. The year that I am thankful for the lessons and then I let it all go.
One of the things I have come to realise through my own experience, is that we are not one person throughout the course of our lives, we are many. We adapt to meet the circumstances, become something we are not to appease others, build our existence for someone else, evaluate our worth through the eyes of others, and in doing so we lose sight of who we truly are.
But this has been my year to let go of all of that, to clean up the past and find out who I am. Why? Because I had no choice. After leaving an abusive co-dependent relationship with a narcissist I had no sense-of-self left at all. If you had asked me what my favourite colour was, I couldn't have told you. I didn't know. My favourite colour was whatever he told me it was. So, when I left him, I had to leave everything I thought was true and start all over with a fresh slate. And I have.
Healing must be intentional. It takes time. There is no one golden day that comes to save you from your pain. It is a practice. You have to decide that it is what you want to do and actively do it. You have to embrace it, make a habit out of it and do it every day.
Plugging back into life and self after giving it all away, has been the hardest yet most exhilarating experience for me. Letting go isn't easy, at times it has been an intense confrontation. With myself, with others, with life in general. But, by giving myself permission to really feel all of those emotions (scared, lonely, angry, sad...) I have released the power those feelings have over me. I no longer let avoidance guide me, instead I show up for myself each and every day.
I understand that it isn't about reaching a finish line right now. It is about taking one step forward each day, then the next day and the day after that. It is about recognizing your worth and finally realising everything you truly are and everything you are not. It is about knowing where you belong, where you don't belong and finding your purpose. Now that I have learnt that, I only look back to see how far I have come.
I have given myself the space to become, and the space to release through expressive art therapy. I am not the person I was once and I will never be that person again because healing doesn't take you back to who you once were, it leads to something extraordinary.
Artwork is my own.